4 in the Morning

It’s 4 in the morning, and I’ve been awake since just gone 3.

I’m not sure if I’ve not slept at all, or if I’ve woken up ridiculously early. But whatever, here we are.

This blog is about my life since my husband left back in February 2019, and I don’t have the right to tell anyone else’s story, but as I said here, other people’s stories are buffeting me about at the moment.

So – what I want to do is try to work out how I’m feeling about it all.

I’ve already got a session booked with a counsellor for next week, to try to get my head round things. It’s not the first time I’ve talked with her – I find it very useful from time to time.

I wrote about mental health in ‘What Colour Do You Feel Today?’ – and how there’s a danger that we think just because someone isn’t feeling completely on top of the world that they must be depressed. But there are lots of emotions in between.

I’m not depressed. But I am feeling much mithered, bothered, pre-occupied, distracted. My mind is full of a lot of what-if questions and very few what-if answers. Hence the not being asleep in the middle of the night.

And all of these things are happening against a backdrop of the Coronavirus Pandemic, which doesn’t help. They would be hard enough to cope with if I was able to visit and be visited – but I live in one of the first areas in the country that went into a second lockdown (which we came out of briefly but then went back into), so that’s not possible.

Never underestimate the power of meeting a friend for coffee and having a good old-fashioned rant.

I’m in a support bubble with my parents, so I can visit them – but they’re on the ‘things to worry about’ side of the equation. And there are things I don’t want to trouble them with.

Not everything is bad. I don’t like the idea of counting blessings – the religious overtones don’t sit well with my atheism and it implies that the good things are down to luck – when generally they’re down to hard work and determination. But there are good things in my life, and I’m very aware of them.

The trouble is, it’s the difficult stuff that keeps me awake at night.

What can I do about it?

And that’s the hardest thing – there’s nothing I can do. All I can do is react to things as they happen, there’s nothing I can do to influence what happens. I can’t even really think through what I might do as there are so many possible outcomes.

Let’s cross one bridge at a time – there’s absolutely no point in going looking for bridges to cross before we need to. But try telling that to my brain in the middle of the night!!

It’s half past four now – so do I give up and go get some breakfast, or do I try to go back to sleep? I’m going to try to sleep.

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. sienablue says:

    Same problem here….no answers for you, but I feel for you. I am retired and can deal with the wakefulness but I know you have a job. Be careful driving and try to simplify your life in any way possible.

    Like

    1. Luckily I have a day off today!! What is this word ‘simplify’ of which you speak??? It sounds like an interesting concept! xx

      Like

      1. sienablue says:

        Sorry….I was grasping at straws. Glad you are off work today.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Siena – you’re right, of course. I should try to simplify. The question is which bits to not do!! Looking forward to a good night’s sleep tonight. xx

    Like

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