Had a bit of a moment yesterday.
I’d seen an advert for a job that I thought I would love, and that I thought I would be good at – but that I don’t have the actual qualifications for. Lots of experience, but… And it was down south, about three hours’ drive from where I live. The pay wasn’t brilliant, and it was only a one year contract – although you never know where this sort of thing can lead.
So, never mind. Mental note that if a similar job comes along closer to home it would be worth a punt. And another mental note to filter adverts by location before reading them (which I normally do, to be fair to myself). And I thought that was it, as far as that particular job was concerned.
At lunchtime I sat on the sofa to eat my Rubber Chicken Day 3 sandwiches (if you don’t know what that means, you really need to read ‘Rubber Chicken’!), I watched a programme that I’d recorded earlier, and promptly started to fall asleep.
Just drifting off, and my thoughts began to go crazy. All of this went careering through my brain in one long repeating sentence –
I could go for it, but I’d be unlikely to get it, but wouldn’t it be great if I did get it, and why shouldn’t I be in with a chance, but if I got it I’d have to move down there, but I couldn’t afford to buy and there’d be no point anyway for a one year contract so I’d have to rent, but rents are high too, and I certainly couldn’t afford to rent and keep the mortgage going on this place, so I’d have to sell, which I know I’ll have to do in the end, but I really don’t want to, and I probably wouldn’t get the job anyway, but I would have enjoyed it and I would have been good at it, so I could go for it, but I’d be unlikely to get it…
The tight feeling in the chest, the inescapable feeling that you’ve forgotten something important, hot and sweaty, heart thumping. I don’t like to call it a panic attack, but it’s hard to know what else to call it. Horrid.
The noise of the words in my head were overpowering or – empowering? Don’t just lie there – do something!!
So I did something – I looked online (like I do several times a week) to see if there were any jobs locally that I might actually be able to do.
And I found one! Only 7 weeks’ work, but the money’s good – and you never know where this sort of thing might lead. Worth a shout – especially as I actually do have the qualifications!!
So, I spent the afternoon completing the application form. I was just re-surfacing when an email came through from the place I’ll be working over the summer, offering me more work in addition to the days I’ve already agreed to. Of course I said yes. Mission Indispensable has commenced!
And no sooner had I responded to that than I got another email, this time from the National Trust (other heritage charities are available), in response to my offer to volunteer at Castle Howard for Countryfile Live in August. I’m going to be in the National Trust Theatre – sounds amazing. Don’t know what I’ll be doing yet, but as it’s the Theatre I’m guessing ‘get ‘em in, get ‘em out’, that sort of thing. And I might get to meet Anita Rani and John Craven – she’s there on the Saturday, and he’s there on the Sunday. Would it be appropriate to mention that I watched the first ever episode of John Craven’s Newsround??
So, by the end of the day I was feeling somewhat back to my normal self. Whatever normal is. In my situation, with the husband gone, and so far struggling to find anything more than a summer job, surely panic is the sane response? My normal chipper optimism is the bit that’s out of kilter with the reality of my situation. I really do need to try to cheer down.
If I hadn’t had the panic attack (or whatever you want to call it), I’d have had a nice little snooze – and I wouldn’t have been driven to go and have another look at the jobs pages, I wouldn’t have found the job advert, and I wouldn’t have applied for it. I may not get it, of course – but at least I’ve increased the odds by actually applying. Do panic!!
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