There seem to be a lot of things that are just getting to me a bit at the moment. And I’m sure that any one of them, on their own, wouldn’t faze me. Even a handful of them wouldn’t faze me. Indeed haven’t fazed me, until now.
Here’s the list!!
My parents are slowly beginning to not be able to cope, and I can’t decide what’s best to do to help them. They’re coming to stay with me for a few days next month – this is a sort of test for me to see if I could actually cope with having them live with me. That sounds so hard hearted, and I would love to be the sort of daughter who could welcome her parents with open arms – but there’s a history there that I need to be able to get past. And with no downstairs loo, and nowhere to potentially put one, there are practical difficulties too!
My ex is ill, and I know that in theory I shouldn’t care. But it’s not that simple, is it? It turns out that caring isn’t something you can turn off like a tap.
I used to volunteer with the National Trust. Due to Covid 19, the House I used to volunteer at is now closed indefinitely, the services of all the lovely volunteers that I used to work with are no longer required, and staff are being made redundant. It’s all just so sad. Sad for the people, and sad for the property that we loved. And saddest of all, no chance to say goodbye.
I’d always planned to travel when I retired. After my husband left, the idea of having to travel on my own didn’t bother me in the slightest. But now I’m faced with the possibility of not being able to travel at all. Or, more to the point, the possibility of not being able to do what I want to do when I get there – there’s no point in travelling if you can’t visit places and do stuff when you’re there. Probably this will all sort itself out, and by the time I retire everything will be back to some sort of normal – but we don’t know for sure that it will.
The whole Covid 19 thing is getting to me now. I’m not particularly worried that I might catch it, or that I would be very poorly if I did – but of course I could be very very wrong about that! What’s bothering me more is the long-term effect on the economy, people’s jobs, house prices, pensions, and the life I used to live. I know that we can go to the pub now, go out for meals, shops have re-opened and lots of places of interest are open again – but somehow the joy has gone out of it.
And last but not least, with my 60th birthday trotting along towards me at an alarming rate, I’m worried about retirement. A retirement that is beginning to look like it won’t involve volunteering with the Trust or travelling, but might involve caring for my parents long-term. I won’t be retiring at 60 – that was the expectation when I started work, and indeed was the expectation until ten years ago – I’ll get my State Pension at 66. But still, subconsciously, 60 is a milestone.
So there we are. Lots to think about, and not a lot of control over any of it – and I think that’s probably why I’m feeling out of sorts. I prefer to meet problems head-on, sort things out – and with these, I can’t.
I feel like I’m at some sort of crossroads, but I don’t have any choice about where I go from here. There’s nothing I can do about any of it.
And that’s tough.
Edited to add – I found out this morning, just after I’d posted this, that the area I live in is now under a new Lockdown. Apparently it was announced at 9:30 last night via Twitter. With effect from midnight. Total confusion, no-one knows who’s allowed to do what and with whom. Fucking shambles.
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