This blog is my story. I don’t have the right to tell anyone else’s story.
The trouble is, other people’s stories are buffeting me from side to side at the moment.
No woman is an island – although I feel like one, with waves crashing all around me and nothing much I can do about any of it apart from stay where I am and weather the storms.
I’ve booked myself in for a session with a counsellor next week to try to make sense of it all. I’ve been to her before – I started using her about four years ago, to try to get some insight into my husband’s depression and how I could help or at least avoid making it worse. And we ended up dealing with lots of other issues that needed to be dealt with.
I find it really helpful – it allows you to get things off your chest without causing offence or anxiety to your nearest and dearest. In fact, I think everyone should have a session or two with a trained counsellor every year or so. A mental health check-up in the same way that you might have a physical health check-up.
This session will be via Zoom, rather than in person. But it will still be good to talk.
So – I know she can’t solve my problems, but she can ask the right questions and that’s a step in the right direction.
And I’m at the gym tomorrow morning, so that’ll help. Some good hard physical effort, pushing myself, always helps. Again, it doesn’t solve the problems, but it helps me be able to cope with them.
There’s nothing I can ‘do’ about any of the things that are causing me grief. They will happen, or not, in their own good time. But my head is full of ‘what ifs’ until I think it might burst. I had a headache yesterday – I really hardly ever get headaches.
I’m not so much keeping all the plates spinning as knowing that they’ll all fall eventually and wondering which will drop first. And as always, the lack of control is the hardest part.
If I could do something to fix the problems I would just do it – but I can’t.
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