Not only Lockdown but also… Chronic Pain

Living with Chronic Pain by Jade

The week before my wedding, I was diagnosed with both endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome. That was in May 2018.

However, I was suffering before that – the doctors just weren’t sure why.

I found out the hard way, when we decided we were ready for a new baby.

I have a son who’s 6, he is my world, and he wants a brother or sister. He knows mummy is poorly and keeps saying, ‘When your tummy is better we can get a new baby.’ It’s not as easy as that though.

They’ve said my ovaries are older than me. I’m almost 29, I’m on a clock already, but my endometriosis and pcos have made it worse.

They confirmed I have a minimal chance of conceiving naturally or even with IVF which is extremely expensive! Who has two grand for IVF in this climate!!

I work for a major DIY chain, designing kitchens bathrooms and bedrooms, but that’s not all the job is. There’s massive amounts of stock to lift and shift around. Loads of customers with hundreds of queries. Can you imagine how hard it is to walk around work for hours forcing a smile, hiding the tears and the agony… I want to scream and cry!

A few of my colleagues have seen how bad it can get, they’ve witnessed the agony when I just can’t hide it anymore. I have ended up in surgery three times in two years. But I refuse to stop working. I cannot let this beat me.

I am waiting for another ultrasound. The pain management doctor gave me some options to think about – tablets, injections, burning the surrounding nerves. But none of these will be a cure.

He told me that it’s like the coronavirus, it’s part of my life, it’s something I’m just going to have to live with. I broke down in tears. I don’t want this for life.

They’re scared of having to operate again. They said each time they do it the tissue damage is making it worse, its spreading. They don’t want to remove the affected ovary because I’m so young… don’t you think that’s up to me??

The pain is in my tummy constantly. When it’s worse, it’s in my hips and my back. When the nerves are affected it goes down to my knees!!! They just don’t see what it’s doing to me. They don’t see me day in day out, they don’t feel what I feel. They can’t fix me!!!

But hey we’re in lockdown, we have a pandemic on our hands, so waiting times have gotten longer.

Despite my suffering I am still more concerned about everyone else. I worry about how my friends and family are coping, some of them think I’m crazy because I won’t rest, I help them all the time instead of looking after myself. But I feel like there isn’t much point in trying to look after myself when I’m not able to be cured. So I keep choosing to help others, make them smile, make them laugh and pretend that I am okay…. I’ve gotten pretty good at faking a smile.

I’m a mum, and I’m grateful to have been given the chance to be one to my amazing little boy. I live in agony but I keep pushing forward with my life and my work. I cry when I’m alone but I smile to the world so they can’t see me broken. It feels impossible to cope and it’s overwhelming me. But I do it anyway. Maybe one day I can be fixed.

But there isn’t a cure.

Jade is 28 years old (29 in two months). She’s a qualified designer for a major company.  She’s been married for two years and has a six year old boy who has multiple health issues. She’s moved around a lot in her life, but is now settled in a small town in West Yorkshire with beautiful surroundings. She has a sensitive nature and tends to be either very emotional or very excitable, even though underneath she’s basically quite shy.

If you would like to write your own Guest Blog, on the theme of ‘Not only Lockdown but also… ‘ I’d love to hear from you! Click here to see what you need to do. It’s more important than ever that we hear each other. And if you’re reading this, and thinking ‘she doesn’t mean me‘ – you’d be wrong. Get writing!!

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Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels

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